


I tried to scream but my head was underwater

by insteadofjust_invisible



Category: SKAM (Spain)
Genre: F/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-22
Updated: 2020-02-22
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:42:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22851919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insteadofjust_invisible/pseuds/insteadofjust_invisible
Summary: It felt weird to be back at Alejandro’s place after everything. Almost like she was doing something wrong. These days, a lot of the things she did would give her this same feeling, an uneasiness on the back of her mind, on the bottom of her stomach that could easily eat her away if she gave herself more than a minute to think about it. But that was the secret, wasn’t it, to lock everything inside neat little boxes in her mind so nothing could come out at the wrong moment, only upon her command (that is, never. Nora never liked conflicts that much.)or the og panic attack scene with Norandro
Relationships: Alejandro Beltrán de Miguel/Nora Grace
Comments: 2
Kudos: 45





	I tried to scream but my head was underwater

**Author's Note:**

> I was rewatching Eleonora's season and came across the panic attack scene that also happens in the og and felt compelled to write it with Norandro, since this is one of the few scenes in the og that could go to Alejandro without turning him into a manipulative asshole (coughcoughmiquelcoughcough). Either way, I love what España is doing Nora's season and can't wait to see everything come together.
> 
> Content warning: description of a panic attack.
> 
> Title from Billie Eilish's 'everything i wanted'

Nora bounced on her feet as she waited for Alejandro to open the door. When she agreed to help him with English that day at the cafeteria, she didn’t really consider the logistics of how this would work (that was all Alejandro’s fault too, he had that effect on her, of making her forget everything, act now and think later that she absolutely hated to fall for.) So there she was, waiting at his doorstep, arms clenching her books and feet bouncing up and down. Whoever saw her would probably say she looked nervous, that giddy-like nervous that usually takes over you when you are facing, or about to face, your crush.

 _‘Nora, stop,’_ she thought, _‘get a hold of your thoughts. You do not have a crush on Alejandro. You are with Miquel now.’_

Was she? She wasn’t so sure after their fight on Friday and the lack of response to her texts in the past few days. She didn’t know what to think. She trusted Alejandro, but she _had_ woken up next to him the morning after her birthday. Wearing only a tank top and panties no less. Despite having talked to Emma and Alejandro about what happened during the party, or rather, what did not happen, she didn’t remember most of it, which didn’t help much. If anything, letting her mind wander just made her even more nervous, but now it was more anxious-like than anything else. She hated not knowing things, especially when said things concerned herself and her actions. She had tried to forget about it too, move on, have fun with the girls during the Carnaval festivities, but Miquel’s words kept burning on the back of her mind, a constant reminder of how she was always messing up their relationship, saying the wrong things, not saying the right things, being careless, so unlike herself. So unlike the Nora he knew from all those years ago in Cambrils.

Alejandro finally opened the door for her, looking comfy in his sweats and plain white tee, like he had just woken up from a nap, a contradiction to the heavy bags under his eyes. To match hers, Nora thought to herself, containing a chuckle. 

“Come in,” he smiled down at her and stepped to the side so she could enter the apartment. During the short time they were together, she had been there only a handful of times, instead opting to hang out with him at hers, where she could have more control of the situation (or at least she used to think so), or somewhere public, going on coffee and museum dates.

“So… where are we studying?” Nora spinned around, eyeing the living that hadn’t changed much since the last time she had been there. The only apparent difference would be the bundle of blankets covering a sleeping form on the couch.

“My room?” Alejandro scratched the back of his neck and pointed his chin to the person on the couch. “I don’t want to disturb Alba.”

Oh, the famous sister Alejandro often mentioned but Nora had never had the chance to meet.

“Kitchen?” Nora asked, biting her lip. Alejandro let out a chuckle and shrugged, as if to say ‘Your choice.’ Kitchen it was, then. She offered a small but content tight-lipped smile, the one Alejandro loved because it pronounced her dimples, and led their way to the kitchen, hoping she remembered it alright.

Nora sat at the kitchen table while Alejandro busied himself making them colacao (for Nora) and coffee (for himself). 

“I will go grab my books after I finish with the drinks,” he told her, turning his head slightly sideways so he could look at her as he spoke.

“Or I could go get them for you so we can get started?” proposed Nora, finishing to align her own books, notes, and pens. Alejandro nodded in response, muttering a ‘thank you’ under his breath.

It felt weird to be back at Alejandro’s place after everything. Almost like she was doing something wrong. These days, a lot of the things she did would give her this same feeling, an uneasiness on the back of her mind, on the bottom of her stomach that could easily eat her away if she gave herself more than a minute to think about it. But that was the secret, wasn’t it, to lock everything inside neat little boxes in her mind so nothing could come out at the wrong moment, only upon her command (that is, never. Nora never liked conflicts that much.)

So Nora didn’t think about it. About what could possibly be wrong about being at Alejandro’s place. He was her friend after all, and friends help friend out, right? Taking a deep breath, Nora pushed open the door to Alejandro’s room, going straight to his desk before stopping dead on her tracks.

At the top of his desk, next to where he kept pictures of him and Cristian and him and Alba, a new picture was up. A picture of the two of them, the one she took inside the elevator that led to his’, the one where she was perched on his back and they were both smiling shyly at the camera. Her fingers caressed the picture unconsciously. She had taken down all the pictures with him she had in her room after she had started seeing Miquel. The ones on Instagram were easy enough for her to say she had forgotten about them, but the ones on her wall? It was better not to give him any reason to get jealous. After all, Nora never liked conflicts that much, and God knew they have had their fair share of those already, all thanks to her no less. 

Shaking her head, Nora forwent the picture and made quick work of finding Alejandro’s books. She didn’t take long, finding them just underneath some university brochures, and headed back to the kitchen adamant not to look anywhere else but straight ahead. No more distractions.

At the kitchen, Alejandro was waiting for her at the table already, sipping on his coffee and scrolling through his phone. Nora seated down across from him, giving him his books at the same time he pushed her colacao closer to her, no words needed. She smiled down at her cup when she noticed he had put a marshmallow in it, exactly to her liking.

“I thought we could focus on the practice test today? That way I can work on some of my own stuff while you answer the questions, and then I will revise them with you,” Nora suggested, grabbing the practice test she had printed for him and showing it over, eyebrows raised in a question.

“Sounds good to me.”

Alejandro grabbed the test from her and soon enough they were both focused on their work. Well, Alejandro was focused on his work, lips bitten in concentration, eyebrows furrowed in. He looked younger like that, when he wasn’t trying so much to put up the fuckboy façade he was known for around the instituto. Nora, on the other hand, wrote about three lines of the essay she had due in History before her mind started playing tricks on her. What if something had actually happened between the two of them at the party? What if she had cheated on Miquel with Alejandro? What if they hadn’t broken up, what would this study date look like? What if she had put more effort into their relationship? What if she had put more effort into her relationship with Miquel? What if? What if what if what if…

The silence of the kitchen was in sharp contrast to Nora’s mind, the thoughts that didn’t stop coming and coming and coming... Nora glanced up, taking in every small detail of the kitchen, noticing the slow drip of the faucet, the tick of the clock by the door, the low hum of the TV she hadn’t even realized was on in the living room when she had first walked in, the scratching of Alejandro’s pencil against the paper and a page flipping, the-

Alejandro looked up too, as if sensing her staring, offering her a small smile she tried to reciprocate before he focused back on his practice test. Nora sighed, shaking her head in a futile attempt to reorganize her thoughts before she went back to examining the kitchen around her. It didn’t feel so silent anymore, but the little background noises proved to be more of a nuisance than calming. The sound wasn’t quite right, and the air, the breezy air around her was in sharp contrast to how she was suddenly feeling very warm, a fire rising up to her heart and her throat and making her want to choke on her own breath. It was getting more and more difficult to push air in and out, in and out, and before she knew it, her breath was coming out in ragged puffs, her fingers scratching at where they were clutching her arms (when had she dropped her pens and stopped writing?). The fire was all over now, spreading from her heart to her arms, legs, her back and belly. It felt like thousands of fire ants running up and down her body, inside and out. Nora hastily put her hair up in a bun and hugged herself closer, completely unaware of her surroundings, of Alejandro gaze on her, brows furrowed in confusion and concern. 

Nora brushed him off like it was nothing, like she had just gotten distracted, trying to push each one of her thoughts back into their neat little boxes in her mind. It didn’t work. There were way too many thoughts out now, all swimming around her head in no discernible pattern, tangling up on each other in a mess she had no energy to detangle at the moment. Everything felt too stifled, too silent but not silent enough, too warm but not warm enough, it all felt off. Like a bomb about to go off and unleash all of its chaos onto the world.

She was standing now, though she didn’t realize she was until he felt the brush of a hand against her arm.

“Don’t touch me! Don’t touch me!” Nora screamed, raising her arms to escape from Alejandro’s touch, feet moving backwards instinctively. She began crying her earnest, eyes red and swollen, breath ragged, constant sniffling, a vice hold around her own self, nails scratching at her upper arms. Most of her hair had fallen out of the bun she had just hastily put up, failing around her face, covering most of it from Alejandro’s view. He was standing too, his hands up in surrender, but he kept taking tentative steps towards her as he spoke, voice low and soothing.

“Ok. Ok. You just… Breath with me, ok, Nora? Copy what I’m doing.” Alejandro took a deep breath in and out, gesturing for the girl to follow him.

Nora kept shaking her head no, but slowly started to follow Alejandro’s breaths, in… and out… in… and out… a few more times and her arms fell to her sides, angry red marks left behind where she was holding onto herself. Her crying had subdued too, now mostly silent tears rolling down her face and small sniffles here and there. Alejandro came closer then, stopping right in front of her, his socked feet touching her sneakers.

“Can I touch you?” he asked, hands reaching towards her in a wordless plea. Nora gave him the smallest nod in reply, and before she was finished he was cradling her in his arms, hugging her close, one arm around her middle and the other holding her head, fingers caressing her hair. A minute passed before Nora wrapped her arms around his neck, head tucked into his chest. She mumbled something into his chest, arms tightening around him.

“Sorry, I can’t hear you.” Nora didn’t look up, but moved her head to the side so it wasn’t pressed to his chest anymore.

“I always mess things up,” she repeated, voice low and raspy. Alejandro felt a tug on his heart; how could Nora think that? “I messed things up with us, with Viri, with Jorge, and Eva, and now with Miquel too, and lately nothing makes sense anymore… My own sister says she doesn’t recognize me and I don’t think I do either because I’ve messed up so many things that I feel like I have messed me up? I was a shitty friend to Viri and I drank on my birthday even though I promised myself I would never do it, and then I woke up next to you, and I got all confused, and I flunked a test in Art History! I had never flunked a test before, you know that! I just can’t focus on anything and Miquel isn’t talking to me and- 

“Nora!” Alejandro was shaking her slightly now, holding her a little away from him so he could see her face. She wasn’t facing him though, eyes looking everywhere but at him as she rambled on. Her breaths were getting heavier again, chest moving up and down in her panic, voice trembling and high pitched. “We don’t have to talk about it, ok? But know you haven’t messed anything up, with me or anyone else. Focus on my breathing again. In… and out… alright?”

Nora took a deep breath in and Alejandro hugged her close again, pressing a kiss to her hair as she breathed out. He lowered them into one of the chairs close to him, and Nora tucked herself closer, bringing her legs up, feet resting on his thigh. He put one of his arms around them to keep her from falling while the other remained around her shoulders. It wasn’t the most comfortable position, but it would have to do for the time being. Alejandro kept murmuring small reassurances to her, voice barely above a whisper, playing with her hair or drawing shapeless forms oh her shoulder, until Nora fell asleep, lips slightly parted but eyes shut tightly. It probably wouldn’t be the most peaceful sleep, but hopefully it would help her calm down and put her mind to rest a bit. After a few more minutes regarding her, afraid she would wake up, he finally looked up around them, surprised to find his sister at the doorway. 

“How long have you been there?”

“Long enough,” Alba moved into the kitchen, bracing herself against the counter, “is she ok?”

“She will be,” Alejandro replied, moving a strand of hair that had fallen out of place back behind Nora’s ear, “I’m gonna take her to my room so she can sleep it off.”

Alba nodded, reminding him she was there if he needed anything, and proceeded to grab a box of biscuits and head back to the couch. Alejandro watched after her before he carefully arranged Nora on his arms and got up. He slowly made his way to his bedroom, trying not to shake her too much as to not wake her up, and deposited her on his bed, which thankfully he hadn’t made that morning. He covered her with one of the discarded blankets, tugging at the corners gingerly. Nora burrowed in closer to the pillow, clutching at the blanket with fisted hands. Despite her tear stricken cheeks, she looked calmer. His face broke on a sad smile as he exited the room. Back at the kitchen, he cleaned up the table where they were studying, collecting their stuff and piling them up on his arms to bring it back with him to his bedroom.

“Who is that, Ale?” Alba’s voice made him jump in place. He didn’t think she had noticed him walking past her, and he himself was deep in thought.

“Nora,” he rested against the couch armrest, facing his sister, “my ex.”

“Which ex?” joked his sister, an amused glint on her eyes. If that was her way of diffusing the tension, it certainly didn’t work.

“Funny. You know which one.”

“Do you know what’s going on with her? I know you said she’ll be ok, but that didn’t look like ‘ok’ to me.” Alejandro shrugged. He might have his ideas of what was going on with Nora, but it was not his place to reveal her problems to just anyone, even if anyone was Alba. Either way, he wasn’t so sure, he had just noticed how lately she seemed detached at school, not her usual self. No red lipstick, no bright clothes, no loud laughing with her friends during break. Alejandro got up, not in the mood for chit chatting with Alba.

“Later, Alba.”

“Yeah, yeah. I will order some food later, ok.” He didn’t answer, knowing she was telling him more than asking. He heard the movie she was watching starting to play again, the noise becoming fainter and fainter as he got closer to his room. Walking inside, he went straight to the windows, realizing he had forgotten to pull the blinds before, and soon the room was basked in the dark. He left the door ajar too, for good measure. He didn’t want Nora to be disturbed. With one last glance at her sleeping form, Alejandro made himself comfortable on his desk chair, opened up a new blank document on his laptop, and got to writing.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Come say hi to me on my [tumblr!](aspeckof-stardust.tumblr.com%5D)


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